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I'm getting better again. From the depression and, surprisingly, from the M.E. relapse too. I *think* the stomach bug may have stopped me absorbing my drugs. I do know already that not taking my drugs for three days causes an entirely predictable M.E. crash. I hope I'm right, because if so I'll keep on improving back to where I was, pretty quickly.

I can't concentrate on anything at all though. I don't understand the rules for the Empire LARP, I can't keep my accounts going, I've stopped doing Latin and the other stuff. I can't even put a decent letter together. So, I've been playing Secret of the Magic Crystals which is a banal game in which you look after, train and breed magical ponies.

Meanwhile, I have been massively fortunate to have phone chats and texts and things from some of the loveliest people on this planet. You know who you are, and I am so very lucky to know you.
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Taking two weeks off of, well, pretty much everything seems to have actually done me some good, despite the depression (which is now lifting again). I'm having a very middle class Sunday, listening to the Archers omnibus. Tomorrow I try going back to the voluntary work.

Pol's sent me a graphics tablet, which should arrive this week, *and* I've found my camera charging cable, so I can get creative again. I do actually like creating art, however dreadful, but depression made me not want to. I've also had some lovely phone conversations, which is something I really enjoy. Time was, I couldn't cope with phone calls because of the migraines, but my pain management is just so good these days that I can cope, even if sometimes I'm a bit scatty. Anyway, everyone I talked to has been delightful and I loved hearing about what people have been doing.

I have garlic sprouting well, but no sign of peas or potatoes. It's been quite dry and I have no watering can. I've got an Amazon voucher for kitchenware (again from Pol)... perhaps if I kept it in the kitchen?

I might have energy this afternoon for calligraphy. I hope I do - I have a half-finished letter for Pol that has been sitting there literally for weeks. I have no idea why letter-writing seems so very hard to me right now, but it does.
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Possibly as a result of the stomach bug, or just because it happens, I had an M.E. relapse ten days or so ago. I've been feeling fluey in general, and it has been much worse if I exert myself to any extent, usually hitting me the next day. My cognitive abilities have declined, my memory has become spotty, and I have been just generally all round ill. As soon as it hit, I immediately went into full sloth mode, and I am already starting to get better but I am obviously not fit and well. I'm taking this week off volunteering, and took last week off too, but I fully intend to go back to it next week, on reduced hours and taking care of myself.

On top of this, I've been hit by depression. Not badly (I don't want to kill myself, and I am not even thinking about it.) Just enough to drain me of all motivation and make it really, really difficult to make a decision, then act on that decision. I sat up until midnight last night because I couldn't summon the will to go to bed at my usual bedtime, which is 10pm. I spent this morning making a schedule I can keep to, as evidently without one I just drift.

I'm pretty sure the depression is the result of a combination of not doing my usual activities, and because I have had to stop looking for a paying job.

I'm watching a lot of West Wing. Damn, that's a good series.
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I am having trouble with seasonal depression. I don't actually feel too bad, but I am having tremendous difficulty putting together my daily post.

I did do things. I went shopping and got Pol his pills. I had a tooth filled. My new copy of Nature magazine arrived and if I remember I'll take it to the game this Saturday, if I have read it. I looked up pictures of fish. I also studied hieroglyphs as I meant to. Routines are going well, but the evenings are getting harder.


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May 2014

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