supermouse

I have pills that might help me turn thinking about doing the thing, into actually doing the thing! Eventually. The drug takes weeks to ramp up, in case your skin falls off.

General news: brain no worky. I am in a foggy haze punctuated by Twitter retweets and writing fiction.

It was nice to hear a standard vox-pop broadcast from Pakistan. Regime-change by words and nudging, and not gun-toting. I am probably getting a horribly one-sided view of the issue, but the theme of the report was ordinary Pakistanis going 'wait, what?' about what living under the Taliban thumb means, and then wondering how come they're flogging women in what sounds like the Pakistan equivalent of Birmingham, instead of it being a weird rural thing 'way out there' like they'd been thinking. I do feel it's all very simply presented though, so I owe it to myself to read more.

I had a weird episode of rage earlier. I just... snapped. Not even about anything in particular, but it manifested as wild resentment about the state of downstairs, which got relentlessly tidied with absolutely no regard for anyone else's happiness or wellbeing. Pol and Random are going to be sorting out paper for weeks, probably. On the other hand, the living room is now somewhere I can relax, instead of a sort of distressing maze of absolute cluttered awfulness and rubbish. I feel a lot better. I was terrified of the fallout afterwards, but there hasn't been any. Apart from bursting into tears at random moments, that is. I don't think I'm very well...

Pol was weirdly calm about the whole episode when he got home and even praised me for tidying up. He'd been shopping and cooked stew for dinner. Random got a kebab and we all sat together in the more or less tidy living room and ate and chatted. It was, in fact, wonderful. For me, anyway. It was like being at home, a feeling I've not had for a long while. I've been spending weeks basically hiding in my bedroom and trying to disappear. When I have appeared, I've been snappy and miserable.

I have plans to wash my bedding, have a shower and get dressed in proper clothes, even though it's pretty close to what should be my bedtime. I am not going to sleep early tonight and I want to get my self-respect back. Mental health can be like that: you crash and burn for a while and then you pick yourself up, dust yourself off and start building your sanity again. Basic routines. Eat, sleep, wash, dress.